Double Binds Extended

The final step in meta-modeling is to challenge the recovered Deep Structure in such a way as to enrich it.

Some examples of how this can be done are: by using clear sensory channels (congruency), therapeutic double binds, the uncovering of patterns of coping with stress learned in the family system, enactment techniques (and parts integration), and the childhood traumas. Or continue to challenge the client's model by purely verbal work.

Double Binds 

(see Either/Or Terms & The Milton Model)

A double bind is when you’re damned if you do, damned if you don’t and damned if you say anything about it. Or in a therapeutic double bind: changed if he does and changed if he doesn't. A lose-lose or win-win situation.

Catch-22.

Someone caught in a double bind wants to say, “No matter what, I just can’t win.” or “There’s just no pleasing you, is there?”

"You're free to do as we tell you."

"Say no to me."

"Don't be smart!"

"Expect the unexpected."

"Procrastinate tomorrow."

"Heads I win, tails you lose."

"I'm only doing X because I love you." (where X is a negative behavior, contradicting the love.)

"Be spontaneous!"

 A Zen story is a good illustration of the double bind and also of a unique solution. A Zen master says to his pupils: "If you say this stick is real, I will beat you. If you say this stick is not real, I will beat you. If you say nothing, I will beat you." There seems to be no way out. One pupil, however, found a solution by changing the level of communication. He walked up to the teacher, grabbed the stick, and broke it.

"The rich get richer, the poor get poorer."

The solution is the option not offered; the 3rd option in an either/or. Create your own.

“Listen, smile, agree, and then do whatever the fuck you were gonna do anyway.” ― Robert Downey Jr.(Internal Frame of Reference)

Chastised for correct perceptions. The right perceptions are the wrong ones.

Violent household but is expected to see parents as loving and peaceful. “I love you and you better believe it or I’ll smack you!”

“Stop questioning what I tell you, (here comes the index finger) I've been around a lot longer than you have you know.” – Chastised for questioning conflicting messages. Lack of correct perceptions is reinforced and rewarded, clarification is punished.

Fulfillment requires someone else doing something without being asked. Asking someone to do something that requires them doing it without being asked, is a self-defeating paradox.

“Surprise me by doing something right for a change, I’d like that!”

“If only he would spontaneously say he loves me once in a while, then I would really feel loved.”

Expected to feel a different way than what is actually felt. Can’t feel that way and what is felt, is wrong.

“The proper way to feel about this is ____.”

“You should be ashamed of yourself.” – If the “proper” feelings aren't achieved, guilt is sometimes felt. If feeling guilty is not “proper”, the result is feeling bad about feeling bad.

Demand and prohibit at the same time. Placed in a position of having to disobey to obey.

“Follow my instructions on how to be independent.” E.g. “Listen to me, you've got to take control over your life.”

“Tell me the truth, don’t you lie to me.” – Admit the truth and be severely punished or receive lesser punishment for lying.

Using the opposite of the desired type of relationship. Relationship paradox: To get the desired relationship the opposite one has to be used, so the desired relationship is never achieved.

“You want my help! I never got into this kind of trouble when I was a kid.” – Competitive where co-operative is needed (I did a better job of being young than you do).

Symmetrical relationship = competitive, emphasis on how they are alike.

Complementary relationship = co-operative, emphasis on how they complement each other.

Double binds are reinforced by patterns that disqualify one person’s experience.

Making something that was said “unimportant”, can be done the following ways.

The subject is changed or evaded.

The meaning of what was said is changed.

The context of what was said is changed.

What was said is over-ridden by status.

Cast doubt about validity of what was said.

Challenging Double Binds:

“You’re only thinking that because you’re not considering the impact of what you are thinking.”

“Have you noticed that what you are thinking creates a no-win situation?”

“Thinking in no-win terms, creates no-win results.”

“How do you figure out the difference between those ideas?”

“If those ideas belong together, do they apply to everyone else?”

 “What do you intend by that, what do you really want?”

Robert Dilts - Dealing With Double Binds Part 1

Part 2

Summary

The purpose of a double bind (in therapy) is to present options to the client in which the outcome is always the desired one. The purpose of a double bind in normal day-to-day living is 1 of 2 things: to entrap or to empower, though in these settings they're rarely used with conscious intention.