As stated in a previous post The Meta Model makes vague language specific and The Milton Model uses vague language
to access the unconscious.
Simple Deletions
"Remember a time …"
Simple deletions are where part of the meaning
are left out or lost. Assuming that you know which category or thing the person
means can get you into trouble. You think you know what the boss wants when she
says “get me a report on it straight away”. Mind reading fills in the deletion
gaps. We waste time creating something that doesn't suit the purpose.
Some examples:
I’m so angry...
About
forgetting my own birthday
About
him sending an email instead of a thank you
About
getting older
About
the poverty in Africa
About
my candidate not winning the election
About
being tricked out of everything I own
I broke my promise...
The one
to stop smoking
The one
where you said you would always love me
To be
home on time
To love
honor and obey, forsaking all others till death do us part
To
climb Mount Everest before I was forty
To
become a doctor like Dad
Questions to Recover:
What specifically are you angry about?
Which promise specifically?
Which report do you mean?
A report on what specifically?
Ly
Adverbs
"Fortunately you know how to relax"
Ly Adverbs are words with an “ly” on the end,
like unfortunately. These are sneaky things, because the judgment underneath
slips under our radar. We tend to accept the sentence without questioning
whether it is true.
Some examples:
"He quickly moved the
evidence to the safe."
What was quick about it? The focus is on the
quick rather than the nature of the “evidence.”
"I clearly did not want
the frogs sharing my bath"
Why was it clear? What was clear about it? This
says, “Everyone would feel the same way.”
"Obviously, we don’t
want to pay the amount you are asking."
What is obvious about it? Once again, it presumes
that it is unquestioned that the price is too high and everyone would feel the
same.
"Regrettably, I want
this report completed by 5pm."
What is regrettable about it? It says, “I don’t
really want to ask this of you, but I am going to anyway and it isn’t my
fault.” It makes a demand seem less so.
"Fortunately, I forgot
the way to the supermarket."
What is fortunate about it? It lets the fact that
you didn’t go to the supermarket slide by.
"Happily, we found a
substitute for your ice-cream sundae."
Why is this a happy thing? Basically, it means
you are not going to get your sundae.
Cause Effects
"Feeling your feet on the floor makes you comfortable"
Cause effects are statements that show how
someone believes something works. That X causes Y, or that doing X makes Y
happen. Like all beliefs, just because we believe something, it doesn’t make it
true. Often looking at our statements can open us up to solutions we hadn’t
considered, by questioning our model of the world.
A common
cause/effect is an if-then statement. “If I give my children everything they
want, they will love me.” It usually has words such as forces, makes, creates,
leads to, compels, requires, instills and causes. For instance, “going into
business requires a lot of capital.” “Watching television leads to a high crime
rate.”
A causing type distortion people often make is
assuming that someone can make them fee a certain way. For example, “you made
me so angry”. “You exhaust me with your constant whining”. “I won’t be happy
until you are home”.
This assumption acts in reverse too. Feeling
responsible for the state or happiness of others is a common and debilitating
belief. “I know I can make him happy”. “I just seem to upset her”.
Recovery Questions:
Meta model questioning uncovers the unconscious
model of the process.
"How exactly do I make
you angry?"
"How specifically can
you change his state from grumpy to happy?"
Complex Equivalences
"Breathing in and out, becoming more relaxed"
Complex equivalences involve constructing beliefs
out of generalizations. It is making two experiences equal. For instance, I may
believe that someone not making eye contact means they have something to hide.
They are sometimes pretty weak links. Uncovering the things we’ve made equal
can be freeing.
Some examples:
“I got the contract, my
problems are over”
If you aren’t wealthy by the
time you are 30, you never will be
I don’t have a thick enough
skin to be a successful salesperson
“He didn’t smile at me, he
hates me”
“I didn’t get the job, they
don’t respect women”
“He mowed the lawn, he is
finally being responsible”
Recovery Questions:
In a way, these are similar to cause effects in
that they show someone’s model. The Meta Model recovery questions are to
uncover the link between the two things.
“How does the contract solve
your problems?”
“How specifically is age
related to wealth?”
“So, are all thick skinned
people good at selling? Do all good salespeople have thick skins?”
“How is smiling related to
hating?”
“If they respected women
would they have given you the job?”
“How does being responsible
have anything to do with lawn mowing?”
Lost Performatives
"Relaxation allows your creativity to flow"
Lost performatives are when someone is talking
about a personal belief, but presents it as though it was a universal truth. We
then accept it as true without questioning it as we would if we heard it as
someone’s personal opinion.
Things like clichés and new age rhetoric that
“everyone” knows is true. Even though some of these truisms are useful, the
origin is lost, so they are disconnected.
Some examples:
Vitamins are an essential
part of our diet.
You need eight glasses of
water a day.
You need a good suit to be
successful
Boys will be boys
The way to a man’s heart is
through his stomach
Good mothers don’t work full
time
Knowledge leads to power
If its meant to be, it will
happen
Behind every successful man
is a woman.
Things always work out in
the end
Always be the first to
arrive and the last the leave.
Always be the last to arrive
and the first to leave.
God is on our side
If you want to lose weight
cut down saturated fats
If you want to lose weight
cut down carbs
If you want to lose weight
don’t eat potatoes
Bottled water is better than
tap water.
Soy is good for menopause.
Fish oil is good for your
heart.
The danger of some of these lost performatives is
they bypass our reasoning filters. We can take on these ideas as beliefs and
delete perfectly good solutions to our problems.
We don’t think which circumstances they apply to.
We don’t consider whether they apply to all people.
The origin is important. How many of these
studies are promoted by people with a vested interest? Of course, the company
is going to say their product is good for you. What are they going to say
instead -humans can’t actually digest our stuff, we only used to feed it to
pigs but we can get heaps for it if we tell you its healthy? It would be
refreshing, but unlikely.
Recovery Questions
"Who says?"
"For who is this
true?"
"According to
who?"
We want to find out where the belief came from,
whether the strategy is based on something solid.
Mind Reading
"I know you are curious to…"
Mind reading is assuming you know what the other
person is thinking or feeling without checking. This pattern causes a great
deal of interpersonal difficulties and is another of the important Meta model
problem solving strategies.
Most of us at some time attribute intention to
other people’s behaviors or absence of behavior. We think we know that someone
is interested in us, doesn’t like us or is trying to hurt us.
We are masterful at taking a small cue such as a
raised eyebrow, a lack of eye contact or a failure to do something we expected
and believing we know what it means. We all jump to conclusions about other
people’s behaviors at some time. We usually judge other’s behavior by the
effect on us, and judge our own behavior by our intentions.
We also expect other people to be able to read
our minds. We think someone should know we are pleased or annoyed with him or
her. We expect others to realize we are overwhelmed, open to suggestion or
distracted.
Recovery Questions
The Meta model questions aim to uncover how you
know what you think you know about what is happening in someone else’s brain.
Some examples:
I know you don’t want to
come.
… How do you know?
You raised your eyes
upwards.
… I was checking for rain.
The boss doesn’t think I am
management material.
… How do you know that?
She doesn’t invite me to
lunch.
… She doesn’t invite anyone
to lunch.
Modal Operators
"You should begin to feel a tingling"
This refers to your mode of operating. They are
words like must, should, can’t, have to, mustn’t, can, will and indicate
possibility or necessity. There is a big difference between doing something
because you feel you have to and because you want to.
Necessity
We often feel we have to do particular things and
have no choice. Words such as should, must, have to, need. Operators of
necessity can create stressful states that are self-imposed and can be
disenabling. We seldom really question whether we have to do certain activities
or feel a certain way. We don’t examine the real consequences of not doing
things. This is probably more obvious when you hear other people use these
words in a context you wouldn’t.
For example:
“I have to tidy the house”
“I should be home for my
kids”
“I need to get this finished
by the weekend”
Recovery Questions:
The Meta Model response seeks to uncover
consequences
“What would happen if you
didn’t?”
“What would happen if you
did?”
“What is the worst thing
that could happen?”
“What would be the
consequences?”
States of necessity drive us to complete
deadlines. For example, we might stay up all night to finish an assignment.
This Meta model pattern can be useful, focus all our resources and help us get
important goals. Many find it motivating. There is big difference between “I’d
like to make an extra $5,000 this month” and “I have to make an extra
$5,000 this month”.
They can also produce stress. Necessity thinking
diverts us from other more important outcomes by creating a kind of tunnel
vision. Many people use states of necessity for the most trivial and life
energy sucking things. “I have to vacuum twice a day.” “I can’t let anyone
see me in last year’s earrings.” “I have to be right.”
Impossibility
We often talk about things as though they are not
possible to achieve or do. Our unconscious accepts these as limitations. These
are words such as can’t, it’s impossible.
Examples:
"I can’t find a new
partner."
“I can’t just stay in bed
for the day”
"It’s impossible to
talk to her."
"I can’t get up that
early to exercise."
Recovery questions:
The Meta Model response seeks to uncover the
limitation
"What stops you?"
"What would happen if
you did?"
"What would happen if
you could?"
Nominalizations
"You may feel a certain sensation."
Nominalizations are processes (verbs) we turn
into nouns. Doing this sends deceptive messages to our brains. For example, a
“decision” is actually the process of deciding; a relationship is the process
of relating to someone. By changing the process into a fixed static thing, we
can feel it is unchanging and limit our choices for action.
These words create lots of misunderstanding. When
we are talking about loyalty to someone, our experiences about ideas of loyalty
will be very different, but we think we are talking about the same thing.
Examples:
relationship
decision
communication
leadership
motivation
stress
addiction
Recovery Questions:
Questions are to uncover the
underlying process.
The problem is my
relationship – how are you relating?
The decision is final – What
are you deciding? How have you gone about deciding?
Our communication is not
going well – How are you communicating?
His leadership skills leave
a lot to be desired – Who is he leading to do what?
My motivation isn’t what it
used to be – What do you want to motivate yourself to do?
I have a lot of stress in my
job – What is pressuring you? How are you stressing?
This addiction is causing me
trouble – What is the process – how are you addicting, what is the strategy?
I have obsessive compulsive
disorder – How are you disordering?
This pattern is one of the most important problem
solving strategies in the Meta model. Nominalizing and therefore making things
into a static unchanging thing causes many difficulties.
Linguistic Presuppositions
"Do you realize you are already in trance?"
As a communicator, wouldn’t it be great if people
accepted what you said without question sometimes? Linguistic presuppositions
are the most powerful of the Meta model and Milton model language patterns.
A favorite with parents is to say “Do you want
to go to bed now or in 30 minutes” There is an illusion of choice, but both
choices get your outcome. Of course, as we get older and smarter we see through
some of the illusions (or do we?)
Unfortunately, this power can be used for bad
things as well as good. We probably have no idea of the kinds of things we take
for granted in order to make sense of someone’s communication or to create a
well-formed sentence.
They can also take away our sense of choice when
we use them on ourselves, or others use them. We can feel painted into a
corner. “Have you stopped being so noisy?” “Have you learned to control your
temper yet?” When did you get so bossy?”
Existence
This is the simplest kind of presupposition.
"Barry ate the hamburger." This presupposes a being called Barry and a hamburger exist. We accept
these things and our focus is on the action of eating. Barry and the hamburger
are in the background.
Linguistic Presuppositions
of Awareness
Here we are not questioning the second part of
the sentence. This is a useful pattern
"Do you realize you are
the first person to get all the questions correct?" There is no question of correctness, just whether you realize.
"You may notice a small
icon in the top right corner." There is an icon;
you just have to find it.
"Are you aware you are
already in trance?" You are in trance; you just
need to be aware of it.
Linguistic Presuppositions
of Time
This includes the use of time or change of time
words like begin, end, before, after, during, begin, end, future, when,
again, still and soon.
Tense-type words like was, had, been, went
(past tense), am, have, are, stop, start, continue (present tense) will, going,
getting (future) can create powerful assumptions.
"Would you mind taking
the garbage out before you pick up Billy?"
You are picking up Billy.
"Are you still drinking?" You
have been drinking; the only question is whether you have stopped.
"I saw her at the school again." She
has been at the school previously.
Linguistic Presuppositions
of Order
When we use words like first, once, second,
twice, last, another, again, next, we are presupposing a series of things.
"My second husband is
very funny." This presupposes a first
husband.
"My first husband liked baseball." This
presupposes number one is no longer a husband, that there are future husband/s,
or that she intends to get married again sometime. Using ordinal words can be
insightful like this – often the person is using them unconsciously – she may
not consciously consider remarrying.
Exclusive or
Here we exclude one thing or the other.
"Would you like white
or whole meal?" You are getting a sandwich.
"Would you prefer one
year’s hosting or quarterly?" You are getting
hosting.
Inclusive or
Here there is a perceived sense of choice without
really having it.
"Do you want to pay for
this now or when you pick it up?"
There is no question of payment.
"Do you want to have
your bath before dinner or after?" You
are going to have a bath, just a matter of when.
Adverbs and Adjectives
This is Ly adverbs and descriptive words
presupposing certain qualities. Words like just, only, even. Just can
be particularly insidious, discounting effort and talent, but also making
things appear simple and easy.
"It’s just about perseverance." Is
perseverance really a simple thing?
"She is just a homemaker."
Dismisses and discounts this role.
"It was a wonderful
day." You enjoyed something about the day.
"My friend is as
cheerful as her mother is." Apart from the
existence of the friend and her mother, we don’t question the mother’s
cheerfulness.
"Even my dog knows
that." Presupposes she is not very smart.
Meta Model Recovery
Questions:
"How specifically do
you know that?"
Comparative Deletions
"Which allows you to go deeper"
Comparative deletions are hypnotic words where we
make a comparison but don’t explain what we are comparing. There is some kind
of standard or judgment involved, but it isn’t made clear.
When you
accept a judgement without understanding what’s behind it, you can get stuck.
Many “self esteem” issues come from deciding someone is better or more worthy
at a general level rather than questioning the standard. “Better at what
specifically?” If you don’t know what the standard is, how can you improve or
disregard it?
Vague comparisons use words like better, best,
harder, faster, stronger, improved, more, less, very, bigger, smaller,
brighter, louder, healthier, superior, smarter, enhanced. Marketers love
these terms. They slip in a percentage together with the comparison so it
sounds more credible. (Did you catch the deletion – more credible than what?)
Examples:
Get a 20% better wash with
new improved Gunge-off.
Better than old ordinary Gunge-off
Better than washing in muddy water
Better than washing in clean water without
detergent
Better than if they weren’t washed.
Instead of coming up as grey shade 100 it is grey
shade 80.
Better than the leading market detergent
The burgers are bigger at
the Grease Trap.
Bigger than Swedish meatballs
Bigger than the cockroaches out the back
Bigger than the take out next door
Bigger than our famous competitor
1% bigger
95% bigger
Bigger than we used to make them because now we
put sawdust in
Buy our double strength glue
Double the strength of paper glue
Double the strength of egg white
Double the strength of professional welding
Strength of the smell
The bond lasts 2 days instead of 1
It melts the material it is supposed to stick at
twice the speed.
Double the adhesion of the last batch we tried to
flog
It’s better not to say
anything...
Than if I told her I thought her bum did look big
in those pants
Than if I spoke at all
Than if I told her I broke her favorite cup
Than if I told him the world was ending in 3
weeks
Than if I spent the next 5 hours telling them
about my holiday.
He is smarter..
Than my dog
Than me in physics
Than the average 5th grader
Than 99% of the world’s population
Than the other applicants
Than the other people in the office
Than the boss
Than Einstein in music theory
Than a decaying cabbage
Questions to Recover
Comparative Deletions:
Better than what
specifically?
Bigger than what
specifically?
Double the strength of what
specifically?
Better than what
specifically?
Smarter than who or what
specifically?
Smarter in what area
specifically?
Unspecified Verbs
"That relaxes you"
Unspecified verbs are verbs (the doing part) in a
sentence that don’t fully describe the action taking place. They don’t give
enough information to let you know what is going on for them. People usually
fill in the gap with their own experience – called Mind Reading.
Are you able to picture the events in the
statement? If you can’t, or the process is fuzzy, there is probably an
unspecified verb (or noun) lurking. Try it “He sat on my foot” – I can
make a movie of this. “He hurt my foot” – I am trying on different
things in my movie.
Some examples:
My friend hurt me.
Accidentally dropped
something on your toe?
Physically and intentionally
abused you in some way?
Gave you a rude gesture?
Forgot to do something?
Not do what you wanted him
to do?
Said something you
interpreted as mean? Yes you look fat in those pants
Abandoned you with 10 cats
and $2 in the bank?
My boss frustrates me.
Does she laugh maniacally
first thing Monday morning?
Take too long in the
bathroom?
Hoard all the paper clips?
Not give clear instructions?
Take credit for your work?
Not promote you when you
feel you deserve it?
Only speak in Turkish when
you ask a direct question?
Their children are rude.
Do they make lots of noise?
Leave the toilet seat up?
Fail to send a thank you
note after visiting?
Throw up on your carpet?
Burp without apologizing?
Not wear a shirt at the
dinner table?
Refuse to stand when you
enter the room?
Only eat in front of the TV?
Grunt rather than answer
questions?
Offer gestures you interpret
as rude?
Closely related to unexplained verbs are
nominalizations, which are unclear verbs we twist into nouns. Delete then
distort. My frustration with boss makes me exhausted. (“My boss frustrates me”
becomes a solid thing)
To some extent, every verb is unspecified. We
would be overwhelmed if we specified everything. What will you gain by having
more information on a particular verb?
Questions to recover:
How specifically…
Did your friend hurt you?
Does your boss frustrate
you?
Are they rude?
Universal Quantifiers
"Every breath takes you deeper into trance"
When using universal quantifiers, you are saying,
“there are no exceptions and therefore there are no choices.” Sometimes this
can be useful. If you believe you will always find a way if you persevere for
instance.
Mostly,
this kind of language pattern creates limitations for us. We don’t even look
for a solution because we assume there isn’t one. We can limit ourselves
especially when it comes to the kind of person we think we are.
Universals are words such as all, every,
never, always.
When you hear these words, the person (or
youself) is showing you their beliefs. Pay attention when you use them,
particularly if it’s to do with a problem you’ve had for a while.
For example:
“I’ll never get this right”
“I always try to get along
with her, but she hates me”
“Every woman I know is
jealous and possessive”
“He never listens to me”
“We all know how hard it is
too lose weight”
“My credit card is always
maxed by the end of the month”
“I never seem to get ahead”
“I always do badly in job
interviews – they never give me a chance”
“you can never get it right”
“You always find a way to
mess things up”
“You are all against me”
“Every time I try to do
something nice, it backfires”
Recovery Questions:
The Meta Model response involves opening choices
using exaggeration and searching for counter examples.
“Has there ever been a time
when I did get it right?”
“You mean every single
person is against you?”
“So I have messed up every
thing I have ever done?”
“Has there ever been a time
in your whole life when doing something nice didn’t backfire?”
Unspecified Nouns (or lack of referential index)
"Everyone feels curious when they see this"
Unspecified
nouns are nouns (the person/being or thing part) where you don’t know who or
what they are specifically talking about. NLP calls this a lack of referential
index.
Not
knowing who or what the person is talking about can result in misunderstanding.
You (or they) tend to fill in the gaps with your (or their) own ideas – mind
reading. In other words we guess and then act on that guess.
We
often talk about this mythical group of people called “they” or other groups.
They won’t like me, they are better than me. Employers don’t like too many jobs
on a resume. Men don’t like smart women. This kind of thinking can limit us
when we respond to “them” rather than real specific people.
We
can also stereotype people when we don’t recognize that we are really talking
about 2 actual people we know. New Zealanders are bossy (I made that up, I love
Kiwis)
Some examples:
People scare me
Every
person on the planet
The
girls in the office
New
Zealanders
The
neighbours
Elderly
drivers wearing hats
People
who don’t do as they are told
Notice
there can be many levels of this. Which New Zealanders specifically scare you?
They say this is easy
Customer
service reps where you bought it
My
sisters
Some
characters on TV
Some
made up “others” you have no direct experience of
The
other part of the deletion (the unspecified verb) is “What is easy?”
Turning
on the computer
Word-processing
Sending
emails
Printing
out stuff
Learning
new things
No one listens to me
The
kids
My
customers
The
Staff
The
neighbours
The
dog
I think they have lost the plot
The
bank
The
senate
Movie
producers
What
plot have they lost, a real one or a metaphorical one
The
one for the movie
The
running of the country
It’s
delightful
The
weather
The
chair
The
company
The
conversation
The
view
The
surroundings
Wearing
my new dress
You
want to find out who or what the person is talking about.
Questions to Recover:
Who
specifically scares you?
Which
people do you mean?
Who
is “they”
Who
is “no one”
What
specifically delights you?
etc.
etc.
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