Rapport is when we seem to "just hit it off" with another person; when we click (Kinesthetic) and "see eye to eye" (Visual), etc. It is when we feel like the other person is like us. This is what we mean when we say "I like it" or "I like him/her". It means that that thing or person is like us. The word Like is a simile. A simile is a figure of speech that directly compares two things through the explicit use of connecting words (such as like, as, so, than, or various verbs such as resemble).
We can use certain tools to be more liked by other people, and also to understand them more. We do this by literally copying their behaviours and mannerisms. Establishing and building rapport is very effective for therapy.
For: building rapport, empathy and awareness of peoples subconscious communications & important for modelling. It involves integrating various elements of their habitual style into your own for therapeutic purposes, making them feel comfortable and understood.
How: match body language and speech (VAKOG predicates) - see Lexical Predicates
Matching is different to mirroring because it has more vague imitation and is less specific/exact.
Mimicry is the opposite of standing out; it is blending in, like camouflage.
How: match behaviors that are mostly subconscious and symbolic; postures, breathing (can be done by tapping the fingers in the same rythym), facial expressions connecting things in peoples personalities (Patrick Jane does this often in the TV show The Mentalist, and also Cal Lightman in the show Lie To Me.)
There is a scene in the movie The Librarian: Quest For The Spear in which the main character is applying to become a librarian, and the interviewer at this point has seen many more potential candidates, all of which failed, and so she says to him "Tell me something you know that nobody else who has walked in here could tell me."
He proceeds as follows...
"You have mononucleosis. Your marriage broke up two months ago, you broke your nose when you were ...
We can use certain tools to be more liked by other people, and also to understand them more. We do this by literally copying their behaviours and mannerisms. Establishing and building rapport is very effective for therapy.
Pacing and Matching
(subtle mimicry)
How: match body language and speech (VAKOG predicates) - see Lexical Predicates
Matching is different to mirroring because it has more vague imitation and is less specific/exact.
Mimicry is the opposite of standing out; it is blending in, like camouflage.
Behavioural Mirroring
aka Reading People
(self-inducing their state)
How: match behaviors that are mostly subconscious and symbolic; postures, breathing (can be done by tapping the fingers in the same rythym), facial expressions connecting things in peoples personalities (Patrick Jane does this often in the TV show The Mentalist, and also Cal Lightman in the show Lie To Me.)
There is a scene in the movie The Librarian: Quest For The Spear in which the main character is applying to become a librarian, and the interviewer at this point has seen many more potential candidates, all of which failed, and so she says to him "Tell me something you know that nobody else who has walked in here could tell me."
He proceeds as follows...
"You have mononucleosis. Your marriage broke up two months ago, you broke your nose when you were ...
... and you live with three cats. Is that what you had in mind? Swollen parajugular lymph nodes and distended eyelids are clearly mono. It takes three months for an indentation on the ring finger to completely disappear. Yours is approximately two-thirds gone. Your surgeon gave you a terminus para-lateral scar...
... which is given to children under the age of...
And I can clearly see three distinct types of cat hair. A white Himalayan, a tortoiseshell and an orange-striped tabby."
In short, he read her, connecting all the things in her "Symbolic Behaviours". This is called behavioural mirroring.
All this information was on or around her body. He could have pointed out a lot more, and we can all do this. It just takes practice and a trained awareness. Having Low Latent Inhibition helps massively with being aware of all the little nuances and subtle cues in peoples behavior, including the tiniest movements, breathing, tonality, rate and pitch of speech, etc.
Autistic people (specifically the "high functioning" ones) struggle with mirroring and establishing empathy because they have less mirror neurons, which are responsible for mimicry/modelling. It is a much more conscious process for them, and more instinctual for the average person. This is why people who experience symptoms of Autism appear to lack empathy, or are unaware other peoples feelings. But it's not that they lack these things, it's just that it's much more difficult for them to process their reality in this way, so that means it's the people without Autism that have to match and mirror them, building rapport to accommodate their needs.
"The sage has no interest of his own, but takes the interests of the people as his own. He is kind to the kind; he is also kind to the unkind: for Virtue is kind. He is faithful to the faithful; he is also faithful to the unfaithful: for Virtue is faithful." - Lao Tzu
"Regard your neighbor's gain as your own gain, and your neighbor's loss as your own loss." - Lao Tzu
Imitation and mimicry are very natural, and our brains are designed to notice differences for survival purposes. When we do it consciously - as in therapy - we can generate much better outcomes than if we didn't, for non-verbal communication makes up about 93% of communication. The other 7% is words.
Note: Do not mirror or pace peoples suffering; stick with general physical and symbolic behaviours. If you were to pace an asthmatics breathing, you'd find yourself struggling to breathe, and that's no good. A bit of genuine empathy is more than enough for establishing and building rapport.
Pace by building rapport/matching or mirroring, and then lead them somewhere else/into another state - a positive one. Only match positive body language, or match negative postures, but then gradually/subtly change to positive ones. E.G. from crossed arms to open, literally making them more emotionally open and comfortable.
Match negatives by sharing resentments you have in common, e.g. "Yeah, I hate that too" etc. and then lead out of by saying "but... "
"I hate X just as much as you do, but I would rather focus on the things that I like and love because that makes me feel better, and what I feel is my choice. So my question for you is: by adopting your thoughts and feelings in all things related to X, what do I get out of it? How does it help me? In what way does it directly improve my life? How does it contribute to me experiencing the things I want to experience?"
In short, he read her, connecting all the things in her "Symbolic Behaviours". This is called behavioural mirroring.
All this information was on or around her body. He could have pointed out a lot more, and we can all do this. It just takes practice and a trained awareness. Having Low Latent Inhibition helps massively with being aware of all the little nuances and subtle cues in peoples behavior, including the tiniest movements, breathing, tonality, rate and pitch of speech, etc.
I recommend reading these books on reading body language:
Autistic people (specifically the "high functioning" ones) struggle with mirroring and establishing empathy because they have less mirror neurons, which are responsible for mimicry/modelling. It is a much more conscious process for them, and more instinctual for the average person. This is why people who experience symptoms of Autism appear to lack empathy, or are unaware other peoples feelings. But it's not that they lack these things, it's just that it's much more difficult for them to process their reality in this way, so that means it's the people without Autism that have to match and mirror them, building rapport to accommodate their needs.
Read More about Mirror Neurons.
"The sage has no interest of his own, but takes the interests of the people as his own. He is kind to the kind; he is also kind to the unkind: for Virtue is kind. He is faithful to the faithful; he is also faithful to the unfaithful: for Virtue is faithful." - Lao Tzu
"Regard your neighbor's gain as your own gain, and your neighbor's loss as your own loss." - Lao Tzu
Imitation and mimicry are very natural, and our brains are designed to notice differences for survival purposes. When we do it consciously - as in therapy - we can generate much better outcomes than if we didn't, for non-verbal communication makes up about 93% of communication. The other 7% is words.
Note: Do not mirror or pace peoples suffering; stick with general physical and symbolic behaviours. If you were to pace an asthmatics breathing, you'd find yourself struggling to breathe, and that's no good. A bit of genuine empathy is more than enough for establishing and building rapport.
Pacing and Leading
(sales)
Pace by building rapport/matching or mirroring, and then lead them somewhere else/into another state - a positive one. Only match positive body language, or match negative postures, but then gradually/subtly change to positive ones. E.G. from crossed arms to open, literally making them more emotionally open and comfortable.
Match negatives by sharing resentments you have in common, e.g. "Yeah, I hate that too" etc. and then lead out of by saying "but... "
"I hate X just as much as you do, but I would rather focus on the things that I like and love because that makes me feel better, and what I feel is my choice. So my question for you is: by adopting your thoughts and feelings in all things related to X, what do I get out of it? How does it help me? In what way does it directly improve my life? How does it contribute to me experiencing the things I want to experience?"
Read more about Milton Model Language Patterns.
Other examples of mimicry, matching and mirroring.
Pets (specifically dogs) that look like their owners.
The Lyre Bird
Parrots
When clock pendulums swing out of synch become synchronized and swing at the exact same rhythm.
Read more about the Mathematics of Synchronization Phenomena
Women who have their periods at the same time (but only when they're around each other.)
And many, many more. Mimicry is the basis of Modelling (in NLP), and therefore of learning. It is directly connected to the As-If Pattern, also known as "fake it 'till you make it."
"We are all what we pretend to be, so, we had better be very careful what we pretend"
- Kurt Vonnegut
A great deal can be learnt about matching & mirroring, pacing & leading and Meta Programs in Shelle Rose Charvet's book Words That Change Minds.
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