Quotes

Richard Bandler

“Disappointment requires adequate planning.”

"Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem."

“If you can’t enjoy what you have, you can’t enjoy more of it.”

“The reason people have problems is that they have too much time to think.”

"They say one day you'll look back on this and laugh... my policy is why wait?"

“People always tell me with absolute certainty that they don’t trust themselves.”

“My mantra for silencing the inner dialogue is: ‘shut the fuck up, shut the fuck up, shut the fuck up,…’”

“Do you want to know a good way to fall in love? Just associate with all your pleasant experiences with someone, and disassociate from all the unpleasant ones.”

“We take the very best of what people do, synthesize it down, make it learnable and share it with each other – and that is what the real future of what NLP will be and its gonna stay that way!”

“Remember, it’s your own body, your own brain. You’re not a victim of the universe, you are the universe.”

“Brains aren't designed to get results; they go in directions. If you know how the brain works you can set your own directions. If you don’t, then someone else will.”

“The greatest personal limitation is to be found not in the things you want to do and can’t, but in the things you've never considered doing.”

“The best thing about the past is that it’s over. The best thing about the future is that it’s yet to come. The best thing about the present is that it’s here now.”

“If you say to yourself ‘It’s difficult to get up in the morning’, ‘It’s hard to cease smoking’, then you are already using hypnotic suggestions on yourself…”

“You know what ? Certain people think they will feel good if certain things happen… The trick is : you have to feel good for no reason…”

“I made the door in my house left-handed, because I’m left handed. When people come in, they push the door the wrong way, and hit themselves on the door. And you know what ? People try harder and harder to do it ! When something doesn't work, try the same thing harder!”

“You are born with only two fears: fear of falling and fear of loud noise. All the rest is learned. And it’s a lot of work!”

"Never be too busy to be alive..."

“Physics changes, but reality stays the same”

"Freedom Is Everything and Love Is All the Rest."

"All we are ever doing is putting things together or taking things apart…”

"You can't change people by removing something. You must create a void and then fill it..."

“People always tell me with absolute certainty that they don’t trust themselves. Or they tell me that they decided absolutely that they can't make good decisions. You know what, it's impossible for anyone to tell you anything that's a generalization about themselves that won't destroy itself... including that one!"

NLP Life Interview: In a recent seminar you mentioned that humour is your invisible shield.  Why is humour so important in your seminars?

Richard Bandler: Well, to me, humour is a tool that, as far as I’m concerned, shields you from the stupidity that’s rampant on the planet.

If you can’t look at how something is funny, you can’t get around it. I listen to people’s tragedy, have done for four decades, and if I empathize with them, then that is the opposite of having a sense of humour. My sense of humour isn’t a cruel one - although I do pick on people.  I try to get people to look from a different point of view, which is what humour really is about.  You describe the same thing in a different tone of voice and you take it to its logical extreme it becomes humorous. 

The notion that we can spend our way out of debt, there isn’t a politician who doesn’t like that idea cause they won’t be around when the bill comes, and when I hear politicians go “We just need spend more money and stimulate the economy” well I’m going “If I could spend my way out of debt, I can’t make a house payment and so I’m going to buy three houses” it just doesn’t make sense. It's ridiculous, and what humour does is get people to start looking at things not from the point of view of how bad it feels but how ridiculous it is. 

I’m very fond of saying, to people after they explain to me how stuck they are, “That sounds like a really good plan, doesn’t it?” 

Cause they’ll tell me that I think this and then I never try and that feels really bad and the more I feel bad the less I try and I go “Great plan!” It shields me from having to empathise with how much they’re suffering but it also shields them from the same thing.  They come up and smirk at me and they’ll go “Well, it’s not a good plan but I can’t help myself” and I said “There’s another good plan”.  And then pretty soon they go, “Well, what else can I do? and I go “Well you could do this, you can look at it this way and you maybe see yourself doing this”. 

I can give them detailed descriptions of what successful people think about.  I don’t try to fix what’s broken, what I try to do is replace it.  There are some things that you can restore to perfect condition like an old automobile, but there's something that’s not worth restoring in the first place: a bad idea. 

If somebody tells me I’m stupid because I got a low IQ score in high school, I go “Well, that’s really stupid to believe IQ stars. Einstein got bad grades in school.  He was bad at Math for heaven's sakes!"  And I say, "he did pretty good, actually, we all remember him for one equation." 

I said this to these people I met people from the Mensa Society. They may be able to answer obscure questions but most of them can’t get a date.  Which one’s smart and which one isn’t?

Over and over again I’ve looked at people who have told me something and I've just asked them the simple question: “Well, is this working for you?”  And they look at me and go “No” and I go “Well then maybe you should stop.”  And they go “But I don’t know how” and I go “Good, let me tell you.  It ain’t that hard."

To me, I’m always using humour in the sense that you chide someone.  Chiding is a particular skill that you need to be able to get people out of the crap they’re in.  Instead of going ,“Oh, that must be terrible” which just means it’s real, you need to get people to look at it and go “I don’t have to live this way”. When you start chiding people you start going “You don’t have to do this anymore, just step over here”. 

It’s the old flirting technique of come away closer.  You flirt with people not to marry them, you flirt with people you have the opportunity to find out who they are. 

Most people don’t flirt with themselves enough to know what they actually could do. My job is to chide them into trying new ways of thinking, new ways of acting, so that they can have more fun in life and get more stuff done."

On Speaking, Listening and Silence

“When people talk, listen completely. Most people never listen.” 

― Ernest Hemingway

“We have two ears and one mouth, so we should listen more than we say.” 

― Zeno of Citium

"Wisdom is the reward you get for a lifetime of listening when you'd have preferred to talk." - Doug Larson
"One of the most sincere forms of respect is actually listening to what another has to say." - Bryant H. McGil
"If you make listening and observation your occupation, you will gain much more than you can by talk." - Robert Baden-Powel
"Most of the successful people I've known are the ones who do more listening than talking." - Bernard Baruch

"I don't speak to teach something; I speak to create something. These are not lectures; these are simply a device for you to become silent, because if you are told to become silent without making any effort you will find great difficulty. I am making you aware of silences without any effort on your part. My speaking is for the first time being used as a strategy to create silence in you. Just in a moment, when I became silent, you become silent.... What remains is just a pure awaiting. You are not making any effort; neither am I making any effort. I enjoy talking. It is not an effort. I love to see you silent. I love to see you laugh. I love to see you dance. But in all these activities, the fundamental remains meditation." - Osho 

"I often regret that I have spoken; never that I have not spoken." - Publilius Syrus

"The Tao that can be spoken of is not the eternal Tao" - Lao Tzu

"Silence is a source of great strength." - Lao Tzu

"There is nothing harder, at moments, than talking to someone who has all the power of silence." - Elizabeth Kosova

"Talk, talk, talk: the utter stupidity of words." - William Faulkner 

"Unfortunately, no one can be told what the matrix is." - Morpheus, 'The Matrix'

"One learns more from listening than speaking. And both the wind and the people who continue to live close to nature still have much to tell us which we cannot hear within university walls." - Thor Heyerdahl

"I am using words just to create silent gaps. The words are secondary; the silences between those words are primary. This is simply a device to give you a glimpse of meditation. And once you know that it is possible for you, you have traveled far in the direction of your own being." - Osho

"The wise speak when they have something to say, the fools when they have to say something."

“Always have something to say. The man who has something to say and who is known never to speak unless he has, is sure to be listened to.” - Dale Carnegie

"The word "listen" contains the same letters as the word "silent"". - Alfred Brendel

"Open your mouth only if what you are going to say is more beautiful than silence." - Arabic Proverb

"In human intercourse the tragedy begins, not when there is misunderstanding about words, but when silence is not understood" - Henry David Thoreau

"A little less conversation, a little more action, please." - Elvis

"Be silent or let thy words be worth than silence." - Pythagoras

"Never miss a good chance to shut up." - Will Rogers

"Say all you have to say in the fewest possible words, or your reader will be sure to skip them; and in the plainest possible words or he will certainly misunderstand them." - John Ruskin

"He who does not understand your silence will probably not understand your words." - Elbert Hubbard

“Men use thought only as authority for their injustice, and employ speech only to conceal their thoughts.”  - Voltaire

“Men of few words are the best men.” - William Shakespeare, Henry V

"Happy is the hearing man; unhappy the speaking man." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

"We must distinguish between speaking to deceive and being silent to be reserved." – Voltaire

"In the confusion we stay with each other, happy to be together, speaking without uttering a single word." - Walt Whitman

"Everything in life is speaking in spite of its apparent silence." - Hazrat Inayat Khan

"There is a greater comfort in the substance of silence than in the answer to a question." - Thomas Merton

“My friend, I am not what I seem. Seeming is but a garment I wear — a care-woven garment that protects me from thy questionings and thee from my negligence. The "I" in me, my friend, dwells in the house of silence, and therein it shall remain for ever more, unperceived, unapproachable.” - Khalil Gibran

"Silence is so accurate." - Mark Rothko

"Work hard in silence, let success make all the noise."

“Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.” - Stephen R. Covey

"Never say anything that doesn't improve on silence." - Richard Yates

"God is silent. Now if only man would shut up." - Woody Allen

"Silence is only frightening to people who are compulsively verbalizing." - William S. Burroughs

“It is always assumed by the empty-headed, who chatter about themselves for want of something better, that people who do not discuss their affairs openly must have something to hide.” - Honoré de Balzac

“The true genius shudders at incompleteness — imperfection — and usually prefers silence to saying the something which is not everything that should be said.” - Edgar Allan Poe

      "And then a scholar said, "Speak of Talking." 
      And he answered, saying: 
      You talk when you cease to be at peace with your thoughts; 
      And when you can no longer dwell in the solitude of your heart you live in your lips, and sound is a diversion and a pastime. 
      And in much of your talking, thinking is half murdered. 
      For thought is a bird of space, that in a cage of words many indeed unfold its wings but cannot fly. 
      There are those among you who seek the talkative through fear of being alone. 
      The silence of aloneness reveals to their eyes their naked selves and they would escape. 
      And there are those who talk, and without knowledge or forethought reveal a truth which they themselves do not understand. 
      And there are those who have the truth within them, but they tell it not in words. 
      In the bosom of such as these the spirit dwells in rhythmic silence. 
      When you meet your friend on the roadside or in the market place, let the spirit in you move your lips and direct your tongue. 
      Let the voice within your voice speak to the ear of his ear; 
      For his soul will keep the truth of your heart as the taste of the wine is remembered 
      When the colour is forgotten and the vessel is no more. " - Kahlil Gibran

 Others

"The map is not the territory." - Alfred Korzybski

"You cant solve a problem at the same level it was created at." - Albert Einstein

(A new type of thinking is essential to move toward higher levels)

“Whether you think you can or can't, you are right” by Henry Ford

"It always seems impossible until it's done." N. Mandela

"Energy flows where attention goes."

"Knowing is not enough, we must apply. Willing is not enough, we must do." - Bruce Lee

"Life begins at the end of your comfort zone."

" If you keep doing what you've always done, you'll keep getting what you've always got!"

"One cannot not communicate: Every behavior is a form of communication. Because behavior does not have a counterpart (there is no anti-behavior), it is impossible not to communicate. Even if communication is being avoided (such as the unconscious use of non-verbals or symptom strategy), that is a form of communication. “Symptom strategy” is ascribing our silence to something beyond our control and makes no communication impossible. Examples of symptom strategy are sleepiness, headaches, and drunkenness. Even facial expressions, digital communication, and being silent can be analyzed as communication by a receiver." - Paul Watzlawick

Terminology

Acuity, sensory. The ability to spot details in someone's behaviour.


Anchor. A stimulus that automatically creates a new state.


Anchoring. The act of creating a 'trigger' stimulus for a state.


Archetypes. Energies and mental patterns that summon or speak for certain core ways of being in the world, for example love, humour, strength, gentleness.


Association. The state of being totally connected to, or experiencing, an event, mental or external. The opposite is dissociation (sometimes, disassociation), which is being an objective observer.


Auditory. To do with sound. See 'Representational Systems'.


Beliefs. Statements we think are true but cannot (or have not bothered to) check. See 'Logical Levels'.


Calibration. This word is used in two slightly different senses in NLP. a) Compiling a 'dictionary' of someone's body language ("When B scratches her ear, that means she is upset"). While NLP accepts that some gestures have universal significance, it has also noted that people develop an array of actions and reactions whose meaning is particular to that individual. b) Using that dictionary to work out what state a client is in. Descriptions of NLP processes will often include the coach saying "I'm calibrating the client", by which the coach usually means b) "I'm looking at the client and working out what they are really feeling or thinking."


Chunking down. Moving to a lower level of categorization, for example from trees to oaks. Looking at something in greater detail.


Chunking up. Moving to a higher level of categorization, for example from trees to plants. Looking at the bigger picture.


Complex equivalence. Jumping to conclusions. Used in Meta Model.


Congruence. Wholeheartedness. When someone says they want to do something and they really mean it, they are congruent: their words, body language and voice tone all align.


Content (vs. process). NLP makes a distinction between content, which is what people say ("I was born in 1963. My family were pretty poor, but we were happy...") and process, which is the way they say it - telltale signs from the client's choice of specific words (= 'language patterns') and body language, about how they 'tick' at a deep level and whether they really believe what they are saying.


Contracting. The business of setting correct boundaries before a coaching session.


Critic. A state where we are on the lookout for flaws in an idea, not in a negative sense, but motivated by the desire to make the idea better. See 'Disney process' and 'Spoiler'.


Default state. A mental and physical condition we naturally slip into when external pressures are removed. Exactly what this state is differs from individual to individual.


Deletion. Filtering incoming information by ignoring it.


Digital. A mode of inputting, coding and recalling information that doesn't used the senses but words.


Disney process. A creativity process, modelled on Walt Disney by Robert Dilts. It involves working with three states: dreamer, realist and critic.


Dissociation (sometimes, disassociation). Being an objective observer of an event, mental or external. . The opposite is association.


Distortion. Changing incoming information in some way.


Dreamer. A creative, imaginative state. See 'Disney process'.


Ecological. In NLP, this means 'fitting in with relevant broader contexts'.


Eliciting, elicitation. a) Bringing about a state. b) Working out a strategy.


Embedded command. A hypnotic technique.


Feedback. Some kind of information about how you are getting on with a project (great or small).


First position. See 'Perceptual positions'


Framing. Setting the context in which we experience something.


Generalization. Inferring general principles from recurring events. So if we see X at the bus stop every Tuesday, we generalize that he is always there at that time. Of course, one day he isn't....


Gustatory. To do with taste. See 'Representational Systems'.


Incongruence. Mixed feelings or showing these by speaking words that do not match body language.


Kinaesthetic. To do with feel, internal and external. See 'Representational Systems'.


Leading. See 'Pacing and leading'.


Logical Levels. A way of analysing the factors involved in human motivation - and limitation - into six very different aspects. We use this model a lot at NLP School.


Lost performative. An unsupported judgement (used in Meta Model).


Matching. Establishing rapport by copying someone else's gestures or physical state in a subtle way.


Meta. The Greek word for 'beyond'. In logical categorization, it means 'at a higher level', so oaks, ashes, beeches belong to the category 'trees', which in turn belongs to a meta-category, 'plants'.


Meta Mirror. An NLP exercise using perceptual positions and spatial anchoring to deal with tricky relationships.


Meta Model. A tool for spotting and challenging certain types of limiting thinking. (Not, as one might think, a model that belongs to a higher logical category than other models. It's just another model.)


Metaphor. Something standing for something else; an image. For example when reviewers say 'the audience were glued to their seats', they do not mean this literally. The glue stands for the state of rapt attentiveness that kept the audience seated.


Metaprogrammes. A set of deep-level patterns about how we experience and interpret the world.


Milton Model. A set of tools for creating trance.


Mind Reading. Not a stage act, but the everyday practice of guessing what other people think or want, and acting on those guesses, rather than asking them.


Mirroring. Establishing rapport by copying someone else's gestures or physical state in a subtle way.


Mismatching. Acting, usually deliberately, in a way that is the opposite to another person's behaviour.


Mission. The highest of the Logical Levels, our relation to the larger context in which we live (and our decision to contribute to that in a positive way).


Modelling. Understanding the Strategies and Logical Levels of someone who is excellent at something, and replicating them.


Olfactory. To do with smell. See 'Representational Systems'.


Pacing and leading. Part of the skill in creating rapport lies in doing this slowly. 'Pacing' involves following the other person in some way, for example by matching and mirroring. Once rapport has been established, one can then begin to lead: getting the other person to follow you in some way.


Parts. Sub-personalities.


Perceptual Positions. Perspectives. The three main ones are first, our own; second, that of another person; and third, that of an objective 'fly on the wall'.


Positive by-products. Hidden benefits of an apparently harmful behaviour. For example smokers get pleasure from being part of a 'club', a 'persecuted minority'.


Positive intention. The positive, helpful motivation behind a behaviour. NLP believes that even the most harmful behaviours have, or once had, some positive intention.


Preference. A person's most commonly used Representational System.


Presuppositions. NLP is loosely based on a number of presuppositions, statements about the world and about human psychology. However the term is a bad one, as they are not logically necessary for NLP, which is what 'presupposition' actually means! It helps if you believe most of the 'presuppositions', and if you don't believe any of them, NLP is not for you. A list of key presuppositions is given in the introduction to How to Coach with NLP.


Process (vs. content). NLP makes a distinction between content, which is what people say ("I was born in 1963. My family were pretty poor, but we were happy...") and process, which is the way they say it - telltale signs from the client's choice of specific words (= 'language patterns') and body language, about how they 'tick' at a deep level and whether they really believe what they are saying.


Rapport. A good, communicative relationship with another person. NLP teaches a number of tools for creating and maintaining this.


Realist. A state where we make clear plans and put them into action. See 'Disney process'.


Reframing. Changing the context in which we experience something.


Rep System. See 'Representational System'.


Representational Systems (Rep Systems). Senses. NLP stresses the similarities between the brain and a computer. Each sense is a representational system - a way of inputting, coding and recalling information. The five systems are visual, auditory, kinaesthetic (feel), olfactory (smell) and gustatory (taste). So someone with an 'auditory rep system' is someone sensitive to, and good at remembering, sounds.


Resources. A general term for 'useful things', especially positive feelings, memories and other states of mind.


Satir Categories. A way of categorizing how people react to stress. The five ways are blamer, placater, computer, distracter and leveller (the latter is the most helpful way: calmly dealing with the issues).


Script. Actually this isn't an NLP term, but one from Transactional Analysis, but we use it a lot at NLP School. A script is a life-narrative, written and chosen when we are very young, which we then follow subconsciously as adults. As many of these scripts are overdramatic and dysfunctional, one of the jobs of therapy is to change these.


Second position. See 'Perceptual positions'


Sensory acuity. The ability to spot details in someone's behaviour.


Setting an intention. Before embarking on a course of action, one can consciously prepare to go about that action in a particular way.


Spatial anchoring. The association of a physical location to a specific mental state.


Spiral Dynamics. A model of developmental psychology and sociology alluded to a lot in NLP.


Spoiler. A negative critic.


State. Any condition of mind and body. In common speech, 'being in a state' means being overwrought, but in NLP a state can be anything from fury to calmness, from terror to quietly getting on with a task.


Strategy. A set way of doing something.


Submodalities. Ways in which experiences within a representational system can differ. For example a sound can be loud or soft, close or distant, deep or high (etc.)


Third position. See 'Perceptual positions'


Timeline. A way of representing the passage of time in physical space.


Trance. A hypnotic state. Many trance states are mild - NLP believes we spend much of our time in light levels of trance.


Transactional Analysis (TA). This is not NLP, but a system of ideas often used alongside NLP. Developed by therapist Eric Berne, it is a set of models that pattern and explain human behaviour.


Universals. Overgeneralizing words like 'always', 'never' or 'everybody'.


Unspecified Referential Index. A sentence with a missing or vague subject, such as 'People say you shouldn't do x'. (Used in Meta Model.)


VAKOG. The five (main) senses: visual, auditory, kinaesthetic, olfactory and gustatory.


Well Formed Outcome. A goal that is clearly outlined, stated positively, sensory-specific, timed, set in a context and 'ecological' (in the NLP sense, not 'green'). Also, an NLP process that helps clients set such goals.


Well formedness. (of an outcome) The state of being well formed.

The Origins and Future of NLP

Robert Dilts

1. First Encounters of NLP

2. Difference In Point of Opinion

3. The Future of NLP

John Grinder

1. The Early Days of NLP

2. The Other Co-Founders

3. The Future of NLP

4. New Code and The Future of NLP

Books mentioned: 

Buy Here

Buy Here

Frank Pucelik

1. The Early Days

2. The Original Spirit

3. On Modelling and John Grinder

4. On Vietnam

5. The Future of NLP

Stephen Gilligan

1. The Early Days

2. On Milton Erickson

3. The Future of NLP

Buy The Origins of Neuro-Linguistic Programming by John Grinder and Frank Pucelik Here or Here

What We Believe

Firstly, we believe that words have a lot of power, and that the majority of our lives is determined by words; the words we say to ourselves, the words others say to us, and the words in symbolic form entering our consciousness from the environment, but also that the map is not the territory, or rather, the word is not the thing, only a representation of the thing it points to. For example, when we're in a restaurant and the waitress brings the menu over, we don't start eating the menu! We use it as a guide for the thing it represents; the food. The menu is not the thing, just like the lines on a map are not the actual roads, it is to be used as a tool to get you to the place, and the same is true of words... when words are treated as the things, we end up in a whole lot of trouble, dissatisfaction, unhappiness, pain and suffering.

See Over/Under Defined Terms and The Meta Model.

Finger/words pointing to the moon/message. 

Don't bite my finger, look where I am pointing.

We don't believe people are broke and need to be fixed. What we do believe is that everybody has made bad choices in his or her life. We believe everything that happens in our lives is a choice. Not necessarily that we can choose every little thing that happens in the universe, but that we can choose how to respond and behave. We also believe - or rather, we know - that the main reasons why people have made bad choices is because of the linguistically-challenged/ignorant folks in our lives. I'm talking about the parents, role models, preachers, the media... all these people have conditioned us to believe their bullshit. You know the ones, the teachers who say "you will never be artistic/musical," the school bullies: "you're a failure, you'll never succeed!" The parents who yelp "you're not good enough!" And the TV and magazines "you're ugly, you should be ashamed!"... and so on ad infinitum. The messages are there all the time spewing out of the mouths of the unconscious communicators of the world, like projectile vomit. Also, from the cunning preachers who know exactly what they're saying, and the effects of their words.

If it ain't broke... then how can it be fixed?

So, with knowing that everything we do is a choice, we believe that all of our actions are skills. Even the negative things like depressing ourselves, convincing ourselves we're no good, and that we will never be happy, etc.
We don't cure people, we generally challenge their limiting beliefs and perceptions in order to give them more choice in how they want to behave and respond in the world.

Regarding change: we don't believe change should take a long time, and in fact, doesn't. The brain just doesn't work like that. Whenever a change is made it is done instantly. Take someone with an addiction, for example: they may want to change for years on end, and may even take dozens of steps to overcoming their addiction, but at what point has the desired change been made? Because the whole time the desired outcome hasn't been achieved, nothing has been done. It's like trying; trying is failing. If I say I tried to open the door, it means I failed. The change happens at the very last moment, when a person says "enough!" and internally, on the neurological level a synapse fires and creates new neural pathways - literally rewiring the brain. The only time we have is Now, and it's funny how so many people procrastinate... and they do it immediately! My policy is if you're going to procrastinate, then do it tomorrow!

We believe that feeling good is good, and feeling bad is bad, and that you have the power to change that, if you want. But so many people actually make themselves feel bad and give lots of reasons why they do it. What we like to do is make people feel good... for no reason whatsoever.

You have everything you need... almost.

We believe that, as humans, we are born with everything we need to be happy, successful, motivated, loving, interesting and intelligent... but we weren't born with guides or instruction manuals on how exactly we go about doing those wonderful things. We are all apparently at the mercy of fate, and that whatever happens to us is impossible to change. But what if I told you this isn't the case at all? What if there was a set of simple to use tools to get what you want in life? Instruction manuals on how to use your own brain for a change? That would be great, wouldn't it? Well, that's the sole purpose of NLP. It is to find out what works, then do it. And what Richard, John and many others have done is create a set of tools that has infinite depth in its efficacy and application, that is staggeringly simple and completely consistent.

We are all born with with a mind, a body, a heart and a soul, the most powerful things in a humans' life. Imagine what you could achieve if you utilized all those to their full extent!

Practicality.

We don't believe that what we do is a science, or that anything we do needs scientific evidence or proof, because all we are interested in is doing what works, and if that makes no sense on paper, scientifically, then great! It doesn't change what we do or the results we get. If I say to you "according to science, it can't be done," and then proceed to do that very thing, does that mean that it never happened, or that it was a lie, or that the limits of science are stopping people from getting what they want, all because it hasn't been performed in a lab by men in white coats? Also, science fails to take into account the most powerful force in the universe - consciousness!

For us as therapists the truth is whatever works, because we want results, not theories. We want what works and we want it in the quickest and easiest ways possible. Those are our goals: speed, ease, and effectiveness.

While we believe that the unconscious is about 90% more powerful than the conscious, we don't actually believe in an unconscious. We call that a nominalization; it's a process word , a verb, that has been turned into a noun, a thing. We process most things unconsciously, and some things consciously. A large portion of what happens to us gets stored away in 'the unconscious' and we act on those things without really being aware of them. Examples of unconscious processes are: digestion, your heart beating, blood circulating, your eyelids closing when a fly comes right at your eye, and perhaps most interestingly (at least to us) - language. Language is almost entirely an unconscious process, and most importantly, the things in life we don't want. Because who in their right mind would consciously choose to suffer? But we say that it's all still a choice, we just have to know how.

As stated in my first post, we almost never ask why. We believe 'why' questions are largely unhelpful in achieving change. The main question we ask is how; we looking for processes, not reasons or justifications.

Above all, we believe that beliefs themselves should be useful and should serve us, rather than us be a servant to them. After all we did create them, and we can erase them too. Just imagine a world where nobody believed in their ability to achieve their goals... humanity would literally never evolve!

There is no such thing as failure, only feedback.

As a wise man once said, "The mind is a beautiful servant, but a dangerous master."

And finally...

We can't do everything!

While most Neuro-linguistic Programmers make lofty claims of being able to do the seemingly impossible, not everyone succeeds in this, though most of what we talk about is just expressed in a way to make it sound more difficult than it actually is (using unfamiliar jargon etc.), because a large portion of what we as humans can do is a lot simpler than we are led to believe, so we can - and do - achieve some of the things that seem impossible, but it would be foolish to think we can do the more serious things, like cure Cancer & Diabetes, attain immortality, achieve world peace and equality, and so on... most good NLPers are aware that some of the claims they make sound very grandiose and not feasible in reality, but we know that the human mind is an incredibly powerful machine, and while we have created and modified countless tools and techniques to do all kinds of wonderful things, we have barely scratched the surface in our abilities to use mind, body and soul in perfect harmony. As people who make a living doing change work, we - perhaps more than anyone else - believe in the power of the brain, and the ability of the individual to Be and Do way more than anybody ever imagined, and NLP is a field with infinite capacity and motivation to achieve the impossible.

As the saying goes... where there's a will, there is a way!

"Do not believe what I'm telling you, just because I say it. Verify everything in your own experience. If it works for you, use it. If not, forget it."

Milton Model Language Patterns

As stated in a previous post The Meta Model makes vague language specific and The Milton Model uses vague language to access the unconscious.

Simple Deletions

"Remember a time …"

Simple deletions are where part of the meaning are left out or lost. Assuming that you know which category or thing the person means can get you into trouble. You think you know what the boss wants when she says “get me a report on it straight away”. Mind reading fills in the deletion gaps. We waste time creating something that doesn't suit the purpose.

Some examples:

I’m so angry...

    About forgetting my own birthday

    About him sending an email instead of a thank you

    About getting older

    About the poverty in Africa

    About my candidate not winning the election

    About being tricked out of everything I own

I broke my promise...

    The one to stop smoking

    The one where you said you would always love me

    To be home on time

    To love honor and obey, forsaking all others till death do us part

    To climb Mount Everest before I was forty

    To become a doctor like Dad

Questions to Recover:

What specifically are you angry about?

Which promise specifically?

Which report do you mean?

       A report on what specifically?      

Ly Adverbs

"Fortunately you know how to relax"

Ly Adverbs are words with an “ly” on the end, like unfortunately. These are sneaky things, because the judgment underneath slips under our radar. We tend to accept the sentence without questioning whether it is true.

Some examples:

"He quickly moved the evidence to the safe."

What was quick about it? The focus is on the quick rather than the nature of the “evidence.”

"I clearly did not want the frogs sharing my bath"

Why was it clear? What was clear about it? This says, “Everyone would feel the same way.”

"Obviously, we don’t want to pay the amount you are asking."

What is obvious about it? Once again, it presumes that it is unquestioned that the price is too high and everyone would feel the same.

"Regrettably, I want this report completed by 5pm."

What is regrettable about it? It says, “I don’t really want to ask this of you, but I am going to anyway and it isn’t my fault.” It makes a demand seem less so.

"Fortunately, I forgot the way to the supermarket."

What is fortunate about it? It lets the fact that you didn’t go to the supermarket slide by.

"Happily, we found a substitute for your ice-cream sundae."

Why is this a happy thing? Basically, it means you are not going to get your sundae.

List of Adverbs

Cause Effects

"Feeling your feet on the floor makes you comfortable"

Cause effects are statements that show how someone believes something works. That X causes Y, or that doing X makes Y happen. Like all beliefs, just because we believe something, it doesn’t make it true. Often looking at our statements can open us up to solutions we hadn’t considered, by questioning our model of the world.

 A common cause/effect is an if-then statement. “If I give my children everything they want, they will love me.” It usually has words such as forces, makes, creates, leads to, compels, requires, instills and causes. For instance, “going into business requires a lot of capital.” “Watching television leads to a high crime rate.”

A causing type distortion people often make is assuming that someone can make them fee a certain way. For example, “you made me so angry”. “You exhaust me with your constant whining”. “I won’t be happy until you are home”.

This assumption acts in reverse too. Feeling responsible for the state or happiness of others is a common and debilitating belief. “I know I can make him happy”. “I just seem to upset her”.

Recovery Questions:

Meta model questioning uncovers the unconscious model of the process.

"How exactly do I make you angry?"

"How specifically can you change his state from grumpy to happy?"

Complex Equivalences

"Breathing in and out, becoming more relaxed"

Complex equivalences involve constructing beliefs out of generalizations. It is making two experiences equal. For instance, I may believe that someone not making eye contact means they have something to hide. They are sometimes pretty weak links. Uncovering the things we’ve made equal can be freeing.

Some examples:

“I got the contract, my problems are over”

If you aren’t wealthy by the time you are 30, you never will be

I don’t have a thick enough skin to be a successful salesperson

“He didn’t smile at me, he hates me”

“I didn’t get the job, they don’t respect women”

“He mowed the lawn, he is finally being responsible”

Recovery Questions:

In a way, these are similar to cause effects in that they show someone’s model. The Meta Model recovery questions are to uncover the link between the two things.

“How does the contract solve your problems?”

“How specifically is age related to wealth?”

“So, are all thick skinned people good at selling? Do all good salespeople have thick skins?”

“How is smiling related to hating?”

“If they respected women would they have given you the job?”

“How does being responsible have anything to do with lawn mowing?”

Lost Performatives

"Relaxation allows your creativity to flow"

Lost performatives are when someone is talking about a personal belief, but presents it as though it was a universal truth. We then accept it as true without questioning it as we would if we heard it as someone’s personal opinion.

Things like clichés and new age rhetoric that “everyone” knows is true. Even though some of these truisms are useful, the origin is lost, so they are disconnected.

Some examples:

Vitamins are an essential part of our diet.

You need eight glasses of water a day.

You need a good suit to be successful

Boys will be boys

The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach

Good mothers don’t work full time

Knowledge leads to power

If its meant to be, it will happen

Behind every successful man is a woman.

Things always work out in the end

Always be the first to arrive and the last the leave.

Always be the last to arrive and the first to leave.

God is on our side

If you want to lose weight cut down saturated fats

If you want to lose weight cut down carbs

If you want to lose weight don’t eat potatoes

Bottled water is better than tap water.

Soy is good for menopause.

Fish oil is good for your heart.

The danger of some of these lost performatives is they bypass our reasoning filters. We can take on these ideas as beliefs and delete perfectly good solutions to our problems.

We don’t think which circumstances they apply to. We don’t consider whether they apply to all people.

The origin is important. How many of these studies are promoted by people with a vested interest? Of course, the company is going to say their product is good for you. What are they going to say instead -humans can’t actually digest our stuff, we only used to feed it to pigs but we can get heaps for it if we tell you its healthy? It would be refreshing, but unlikely.

Recovery Questions

"Who says?"

"For who is this true?"

"According to who?"

We want to find out where the belief came from, whether the strategy is based on something solid.

Mind Reading

"I know you are curious to…"

Mind reading is assuming you know what the other person is thinking or feeling without checking. This pattern causes a great deal of interpersonal difficulties and is another of the important Meta model problem solving strategies.

Most of us at some time attribute intention to other people’s behaviors or absence of behavior. We think we know that someone is interested in us, doesn’t like us or is trying to hurt us.

We are masterful at taking a small cue such as a raised eyebrow, a lack of eye contact or a failure to do something we expected and believing we know what it means. We all jump to conclusions about other people’s behaviors at some time. We usually judge other’s behavior by the effect on us, and judge our own behavior by our intentions.

We also expect other people to be able to read our minds. We think someone should know we are pleased or annoyed with him or her. We expect others to realize we are overwhelmed, open to suggestion or distracted.

Recovery Questions

The Meta model questions aim to uncover how you know what you think you know about what is happening in someone else’s brain.

Some examples:

I know you don’t want to come.

… How do you know?

You raised your eyes upwards.

… I was checking for rain.

The boss doesn’t think I am management material.

… How do you know that?

She doesn’t invite me to lunch.

… She doesn’t invite anyone to lunch.

Modal Operators

"You should begin to feel a tingling"

This refers to your mode of operating. They are words like must, should, can’t, have to, mustn’t, can, will and indicate possibility or necessity. There is a big difference between doing something because you feel you have to and because you want to.

Necessity

We often feel we have to do particular things and have no choice. Words such as should, must, have to, need. Operators of necessity can create stressful states that are self-imposed and can be disenabling. We seldom really question whether we have to do certain activities or feel a certain way. We don’t examine the real consequences of not doing things. This is probably more obvious when you hear other people use these words in a context you wouldn’t.

For example:

“I have to tidy the house”

“I should be home for my kids”

“I need to get this finished by the weekend”

Recovery Questions:

The Meta Model response seeks to uncover consequences

“What would happen if you didn’t?”

“What would happen if you did?”

“What is the worst thing that could happen?”

“What would be the consequences?”

States of necessity drive us to complete deadlines. For example, we might stay up all night to finish an assignment. This Meta model pattern can be useful, focus all our resources and help us get important goals. Many find it motivating. There is big difference between “I’d like to make an extra $5,000 this month” and “I have to make an extra $5,000 this month”.

They can also produce stress. Necessity thinking diverts us from other more important outcomes by creating a kind of tunnel vision. Many people use states of necessity for the most trivial and life energy sucking things. “I have to vacuum twice a day.” “I can’t let anyone see me in last year’s earrings.” “I have to be right.”

Impossibility

We often talk about things as though they are not possible to achieve or do. Our unconscious accepts these as limitations. These are words such as can’t, it’s impossible.

Examples:

"I can’t find a new partner."

“I can’t just stay in bed for the day”

"It’s impossible to talk to her."

"I can’t get up that early to exercise."

Recovery questions:

The Meta Model response seeks to uncover the limitation

"What stops you?"

"What would happen if you did?"

"What would happen if you could?"

Nominalizations

"You may feel a certain sensation."

Nominalizations are processes (verbs) we turn into nouns. Doing this sends deceptive messages to our brains. For example, a “decision” is actually the process of deciding; a relationship is the process of relating to someone. By changing the process into a fixed static thing, we can feel it is unchanging and limit our choices for action.

These words create lots of misunderstanding. When we are talking about loyalty to someone, our experiences about ideas of loyalty will be very different, but we think we are talking about the same thing.

Examples:

relationship

decision

communication

leadership

motivation

stress

addiction

Recovery Questions:

Questions are to uncover the underlying process.

The problem is my relationship – how are you relating?

The decision is final – What are you deciding? How have you gone about deciding?

Our communication is not going well – How are you communicating?

His leadership skills leave a lot to be desired – Who is he leading to do what?

My motivation isn’t what it used to be – What do you want to motivate yourself to do?

I have a lot of stress in my job – What is pressuring you? How are you stressing?

This addiction is causing me trouble – What is the process – how are you addicting, what is the strategy?

I have obsessive compulsive disorder – How are you disordering?

This pattern is one of the most important problem solving strategies in the Meta model. Nominalizing and therefore making things into a static unchanging thing causes many difficulties.

Linguistic Presuppositions

"Do you realize you are already in trance?"

As a communicator, wouldn’t it be great if people accepted what you said without question sometimes? Linguistic presuppositions are the most powerful of the Meta model and Milton model language patterns.

A favorite with parents is to say “Do you want to go to bed now or in 30 minutes” There is an illusion of choice, but both choices get your outcome. Of course, as we get older and smarter we see through some of the illusions (or do we?)

Unfortunately, this power can be used for bad things as well as good. We probably have no idea of the kinds of things we take for granted in order to make sense of someone’s communication or to create a well-formed sentence.

They can also take away our sense of choice when we use them on ourselves, or others use them. We can feel painted into a corner. “Have you stopped being so noisy?” “Have you learned to control your temper yet?” When did you get so bossy?”

Existence

This is the simplest kind of presupposition.

"Barry ate the hamburger." This presupposes a being called Barry and a hamburger exist. We accept these things and our focus is on the action of eating. Barry and the hamburger are in the background.

Linguistic Presuppositions of Awareness

Here we are not questioning the second part of the sentence. This is a useful pattern

"Do you realize you are the first person to get all the questions correct?" There is no question of correctness, just whether you realize.

"You may notice a small icon in the top right corner." There is an icon; you just have to find it.

"Are you aware you are already in trance?" You are in trance; you just need to be aware of it.

Linguistic Presuppositions of Time

This includes the use of time or change of time words like begin, end, before, after, during, begin, end, future, when, again, still and soon.

Tense-type words like was, had, been, went (past tense), am, have, are, stop, start, continue (present tense) will, going, getting (future) can create powerful assumptions.

"Would you mind taking the garbage out before you pick up Billy?" You are picking up Billy.

"Are you still drinking?" You have been drinking; the only question is whether you have stopped.

"I saw her at the school again." She has been at the school previously.

Linguistic Presuppositions of Order

When we use words like first, once, second, twice, last, another, again, next, we are presupposing a series of things.

"My second husband is very funny." This presupposes a first husband.

"My first husband liked baseball." This presupposes number one is no longer a husband, that there are future husband/s, or that she intends to get married again sometime. Using ordinal words can be insightful like this – often the person is using them unconsciously – she may not consciously consider remarrying.

Exclusive or

Here we exclude one thing or the other.

"Would you like white or whole meal?" You are getting a sandwich.

"Would you prefer one year’s hosting or quarterly?" You are getting hosting.

Inclusive or

Here there is a perceived sense of choice without really having it.

"Do you want to pay for this now or when you pick it up?" There is no question of payment.

"Do you want to have your bath before dinner or after?" You are going to have a bath, just a matter of when.

Adverbs and Adjectives

This is Ly adverbs and descriptive words presupposing certain qualities. Words like just, only, even. Just can be particularly insidious, discounting effort and talent, but also making things appear simple and easy.

"It’s just about perseverance." Is perseverance really a simple thing?

"She is just a homemaker." Dismisses and discounts this role.

"It was a wonderful day." You enjoyed something about the day.

"My friend is as cheerful as her mother is." Apart from the existence of the friend and her mother, we don’t question the mother’s cheerfulness.

"Even my dog knows that." Presupposes she is not very smart.

Meta Model Recovery Questions:

"How specifically do you know that?"

Comparative Deletions

"Which allows you to go deeper"

Comparative deletions are hypnotic words where we make a comparison but don’t explain what we are comparing. There is some kind of standard or judgment involved, but it isn’t made clear.

 When you accept a judgement without understanding what’s behind it, you can get stuck. Many “self esteem” issues come from deciding someone is better or more worthy at a general level rather than questioning the standard. “Better at what specifically?” If you don’t know what the standard is, how can you improve or disregard it?

Vague comparisons use words like better, best, harder, faster, stronger, improved, more, less, very, bigger, smaller, brighter, louder, healthier, superior, smarter, enhanced. Marketers love these terms. They slip in a percentage together with the comparison so it sounds more credible. (Did you catch the deletion – more credible than what?)

Examples:

Get a 20% better wash with new improved Gunge-off.

Better than old ordinary Gunge-off

Better than washing in muddy water

Better than washing in clean water without detergent

Better than if they weren’t washed.

Instead of coming up as grey shade 100 it is grey shade 80.

Better than the leading market detergent

The burgers are bigger at the Grease Trap.

Bigger than Swedish meatballs

Bigger than the cockroaches out the back

Bigger than the take out next door

Bigger than our famous competitor

1% bigger

95% bigger

Bigger than we used to make them because now we put sawdust in

Buy our double strength glue

Double the strength of paper glue

Double the strength of egg white

Double the strength of professional welding

Strength of the smell

The bond lasts 2 days instead of 1

It melts the material it is supposed to stick at twice the speed.

Double the adhesion of the last batch we tried to flog

It’s better not to say anything...

Than if I told her I thought her bum did look big in those pants

Than if I spoke at all

Than if I told her I broke her favorite cup

Than if I told him the world was ending in 3 weeks

Than if I spent the next 5 hours telling them about my holiday.

He is smarter..

Than my dog

Than me in physics

Than the average 5th grader

Than 99% of the world’s population

Than the other applicants

Than the other people in the office

Than the boss

Than Einstein in music theory

Than a decaying cabbage

Questions to Recover Comparative Deletions:

Better than what specifically?

Bigger than what specifically?

Double the strength of what specifically?

Better than what specifically?

Smarter than who or what specifically?

Smarter in what area specifically?

Unspecified Verbs

"That relaxes you"

Unspecified verbs are verbs (the doing part) in a sentence that don’t fully describe the action taking place. They don’t give enough information to let you know what is going on for them. People usually fill in the gap with their own experience – called Mind Reading.

Are you able to picture the events in the statement? If you can’t, or the process is fuzzy, there is probably an unspecified verb (or noun) lurking. Try it “He sat on my foot” – I can make a movie of this. “He hurt my foot” – I am trying on different things in my movie.

Some examples:

My friend hurt me.

Accidentally dropped something on your toe?

Physically and intentionally abused you in some way?

Gave you a rude gesture?

Forgot to do something?

Not do what you wanted him to do?

Said something you interpreted as mean? Yes you look fat in those pants

Abandoned you with 10 cats and $2 in the bank?

My boss frustrates me.

Does she laugh maniacally first thing Monday morning?

Take too long in the bathroom?

Hoard all the paper clips?

Not give clear instructions?

Take credit for your work?

Not promote you when you feel you deserve it?

Only speak in Turkish when you ask a direct question?

Their children are rude.

Do they make lots of noise?

Leave the toilet seat up?

Fail to send a thank you note after visiting?

Throw up on your carpet?

Burp without apologizing?

Not wear a shirt at the dinner table?

Refuse to stand when you enter the room?

Only eat in front of the TV?

Grunt rather than answer questions?

Offer gestures you interpret as rude?

Closely related to unexplained verbs are nominalizations, which are unclear verbs we twist into nouns. Delete then distort. My frustration with boss makes me exhausted. (“My boss frustrates me” becomes a solid thing)

To some extent, every verb is unspecified. We would be overwhelmed if we specified everything. What will you gain by having more information on a particular verb?

Questions to recover:

How specifically…

Did your friend hurt you?

Does your boss frustrate you?

Are they rude?

Universal Quantifiers

"Every breath takes you deeper into trance"

When using universal quantifiers, you are saying, “there are no exceptions and therefore there are no choices.” Sometimes this can be useful. If you believe you will always find a way if you persevere for instance.

 Mostly, this kind of language pattern creates limitations for us. We don’t even look for a solution because we assume there isn’t one. We can limit ourselves especially when it comes to the kind of person we think we are.

Universals are words such as all, every, never, always.

When you hear these words, the person (or youself) is showing you their beliefs. Pay attention when you use them, particularly if it’s to do with a problem you’ve had for a while.

For example:

“I’ll never get this right”

“I always try to get along with her, but she hates me”

“Every woman I know is jealous and possessive”

“He never listens to me”

“We all know how hard it is too lose weight”

“My credit card is always maxed by the end of the month”

“I never seem to get ahead”

“I always do badly in job interviews – they never give me a chance”

“you can never get it right”

“You always find a way to mess things up”

“You are all against me”

“Every time I try to do something nice, it backfires”

Recovery Questions:

The Meta Model response involves opening choices using exaggeration and searching for counter examples.

“Has there ever been a time when I did get it right?”

“You mean every single person is against you?”

“So I have messed up every thing I have ever done?”

“Has there ever been a time in your whole life when doing something nice didn’t backfire?”

Unspecified Nouns (or lack of referential index)

"Everyone feels curious when they see this"

Unspecified nouns are nouns (the person/being or thing part) where you don’t know who or what they are specifically talking about. NLP calls this a lack of referential index.

Not knowing who or what the person is talking about can result in misunderstanding. You (or they) tend to fill in the gaps with your (or their) own ideas – mind reading. In other words we guess and then act on that guess.

We often talk about this mythical group of people called “they” or other groups. They won’t like me, they are better than me. Employers don’t like too many jobs on a resume. Men don’t like smart women. This kind of thinking can limit us when we respond to “them” rather than real specific people.

We can also stereotype people when we don’t recognize that we are really talking about 2 actual people we know. New Zealanders are bossy (I made that up, I love Kiwis)

Some examples:

People scare me

Every person on the planet

The girls in the office

New Zealanders

The neighbours

Elderly drivers wearing hats

People who don’t do as they are told

Notice there can be many levels of this. Which New Zealanders specifically scare you?

They say this is easy

Customer service reps where you bought it

My sisters

Some characters on TV

Some made up “others” you have no direct experience of

The other part of the deletion (the unspecified verb) is “What is easy?”

Turning on the computer

Word-processing

Sending emails

Printing out stuff

Learning new things

No one listens to me

The kids

My customers

The Staff

The neighbours

The dog

I think they have lost the plot

The bank

The senate

Movie producers

What plot have they lost, a real one or a metaphorical one

The one for the movie

The running of the country

It’s delightful

The weather

The chair

The company

The conversation

The view

The surroundings

Wearing my new dress

You want to find out who or what the person is talking about.

Questions to Recover:

Who specifically scares you?

Which people do you mean?

Who is “they”

Who is “no one”

What specifically delights you?

etc.